You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
