well I can't set my house on fire every night
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize