i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
