You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
