If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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