Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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