Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
