My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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