Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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