My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I've blown a few things in my day
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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