Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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