Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
