ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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