Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize