Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
