so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
