I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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