bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
i came on her dog
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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