I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
