We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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