i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
