hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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