Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
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