my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
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