I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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