im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
