Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
