id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
You ruined the universe
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
