It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize