eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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