Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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