you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
