when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize