Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
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