So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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