go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
