Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
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