I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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