I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
