Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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