i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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