So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize