Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize