Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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