I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
