So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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