I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize