you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
