Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
