Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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