i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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