your parents love me but you hate me
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
