At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
