pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
