You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
