My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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