Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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