We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
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