Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
a search helicopter?!
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
