someone threw a dead crab at me
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
