when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
