We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
