They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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