i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
