oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
