Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
