could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
