The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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