just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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